So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
