i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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