i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
