just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
