i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i believe in u and ur pee
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