Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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