Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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