The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
