I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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