I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
