Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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