I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
