Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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