I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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