Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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