you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize