They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
