Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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