the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
