So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
