Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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