Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
