i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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