I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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