It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
