They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
