my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
