I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize