look no pants
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
