her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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