i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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