I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
