Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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