i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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