last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
