Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He did a backflip because drugs
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