New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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