i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
