life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
