Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
