If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
