I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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