Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
