I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
