Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
