dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
