If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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