I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
