I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
