I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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