So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
