I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
