What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think I sprained my soul last night
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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