eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Randomize
