Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
