first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
