i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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