I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
