The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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