You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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