you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
