Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
