Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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