'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize