i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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