; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
