halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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