those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
