he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
